Agoraphobia

So supposedly college is the place where you meet people who are going to change your life and you will meet the people who will be your long running friends. It's been two months and my social status is just about the same as it was before I turned 15. I meet people and have small talk but then shy away when they try to probe into something personal. I know, knowing me, once they know one personal thing, I'll begin to dish out so much that it would be overbearing. Almost as though I'm trying to prove myself when there is no need to. I'd rather not and leave it that I'm just a soul wandering around, presumably someone who isn't very interesting anyway. Another note, I hate when they start talking to me about something I don't have much knowledge on. I'd rather not talk and sound stupid, either trying to play with their seemingly meaningless jargon or flat out saying "I don't know what that is".

Better to sew your mouth shut
Than unravel a thread of lies.

I'll leave it to my blog to know too much about me. Maybe some of my friends too. It is not the fault of others, but my own.

I've been in a slump.

I feel no motivation to go outside. I get up at 7:40 to rush a shower and dress myself in 20 minutes to get to school and do my homework/study on the bus. I draw, but only for my own mental competition against an imaginary person. I'm not even enthralled anymore to meet up with the people that I would have in the past woken at 8am on a free day to clean my house and pretty myself and leave by 10am.
These days I do nothing but lay around searching for something interesting to do in the confines of my bed on my laptop getting up periodically to clean or watch my daughter or make food/eat.

Where has my motivation gone?
Did it run away with my self esteem?

I need a job, none of my hobbies are deemed "normal", and when they do seem "normal", I feel as though i'm wasting time spent on something better. Honestly, I always feel as though I'm wasting my time. Time passes by much too quickly and I'll only be young for so long. Don't tell me I have my whole life ahead of me, because tomorrow I'll be 35 juggling a toddler, bills, and dinner in my arms, trying to convince myself to NOT shove my head in an open oven.

Whatever. I should go shower and clean my room.

I hate being broke v.v