Let Go

I'm feeling pretty good right now, after having a day full of turmoil and insane mood swings (seriously they were pretty bad). I feel as though I can feel good again and be "normal" and not do those insane things I do anymore. I'm not going to continue in that silly path, but I'll envelope myself back into those friends I had before, back into me, back into you. I love you and only you, fuck everyone else. :) <-that sounds kind of ghetto lol.

Addiction

I need to stop. I'm stopping today. Today I made one of the best mistakes as of late, and I'm not gonna regret it, just as I don't regret most things I do. It's just the consequences I get to my actions that I regret.
But laying in that bed in the drugged up state of mind, not knowing whether I was sleeping or not, and surprised when I was pulled out of the trance made me feel like a child. I don't like leaving the wonderful confines of a bed. It's almost as though the bed is talking to me, humming, lulling, saying: "Here my child, I'll envelop you and protect you from the outside world".

My entire body hurts.

Being in that place I was today makes me feel comfortable now, no internal angst invades me anymore. Here I feel secure and warm, my body singes these bedsheets. It almost felt like I was sick, but I had no fever or sore throat. Pure exhaustion, heat, and elementary images in my head.
In that state of mind I don't worry about my other addictions. I prefer this than the constant look for substance in other humans and the obsessive behavior I tend to get when something is either very interesting or threatens my existence. After all, that's why anyone gets offended. When something threatens their beliefs, they oppose it.
It's been about nine or ten hours since I've left that place, but the feeling inside me still lingers. This comatose feeling, I don't want to give up yet. I think i'll just shower and get on my homework until 12.

Goodnight blogger. <3

Agoraphobia

So supposedly college is the place where you meet people who are going to change your life and you will meet the people who will be your long running friends. It's been two months and my social status is just about the same as it was before I turned 15. I meet people and have small talk but then shy away when they try to probe into something personal. I know, knowing me, once they know one personal thing, I'll begin to dish out so much that it would be overbearing. Almost as though I'm trying to prove myself when there is no need to. I'd rather not and leave it that I'm just a soul wandering around, presumably someone who isn't very interesting anyway. Another note, I hate when they start talking to me about something I don't have much knowledge on. I'd rather not talk and sound stupid, either trying to play with their seemingly meaningless jargon or flat out saying "I don't know what that is".

Better to sew your mouth shut
Than unravel a thread of lies.

I'll leave it to my blog to know too much about me. Maybe some of my friends too. It is not the fault of others, but my own.

I've been in a slump.

I feel no motivation to go outside. I get up at 7:40 to rush a shower and dress myself in 20 minutes to get to school and do my homework/study on the bus. I draw, but only for my own mental competition against an imaginary person. I'm not even enthralled anymore to meet up with the people that I would have in the past woken at 8am on a free day to clean my house and pretty myself and leave by 10am.
These days I do nothing but lay around searching for something interesting to do in the confines of my bed on my laptop getting up periodically to clean or watch my daughter or make food/eat.

Where has my motivation gone?
Did it run away with my self esteem?

I need a job, none of my hobbies are deemed "normal", and when they do seem "normal", I feel as though i'm wasting time spent on something better. Honestly, I always feel as though I'm wasting my time. Time passes by much too quickly and I'll only be young for so long. Don't tell me I have my whole life ahead of me, because tomorrow I'll be 35 juggling a toddler, bills, and dinner in my arms, trying to convince myself to NOT shove my head in an open oven.

Whatever. I should go shower and clean my room.

I hate being broke v.v

Obligations

I've got no time for anything yet here I am in the worst state of minds ranting about my problems. I can't come to bare "OK let's stop ranting and do something about this". Let me just blow off some steam, since I'm trapped wherever I am.

"Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains"
-Jean Jaques Rousseau

The concept of time seems like something that I just cannot quite grasp. I don't feel as though I have any time for myself, or enough time for anyone in particular. Yet all my time is spent either wallowing in my mind (I have a tv but seldom watch it) or doing things to try to please others. I spend 3 hours on a bus daily with the horrid stench of unsanitary people. Oh, how I love NYC public transportation. I spend hours of my time taking care of children that I would prefer to hold no responsibility for. If I wanted kids, I would have had them myself. Honestly, I don't know why I resent them so much.
The thing that has been bothering me the most is the fact that I can't do any of my interests. I want to dance, draw, paint, write, design, construct, and be proactive in my time in theater but because of today I feel that may be at stake. I hate how I lack motivation and lack of movement. Bind me up and let a spider suck me dry instead.

Halloween Costume

I spent about 4 hours restarting my drape for my costume but couldn't quite get it right. Pissed me off, so I gave up and fell in and out of sleep for about 5 hours. I decided I'm going to change my costume, and in that way anyway the fabric won't be see through. My costume will be more like a fairy instead of a forest nymph or mother nature but oh well, making a bustier and flareskirt is easier.

Work of God's Apple

Grappling on the filth and sediment
Though she speaks to me in precedence
You're also made of mud
All humans are corrupt

Clay lifeforms ceased to exist
When the woman and snake began to mix
A heretic of the purity
Endangering your sanity

Repeating the past but in stronger levels
For better or for worse but still disheveled
Images of the innocent
Never of contentment

She speaks with eyes aloft him
Then breaks the ties with slightest flinch
Maybe in the past
You would maybe last

The shame of lasting bewilderment
Life with countless impediments
It's best this ends
Before it begins.

Photoshoot with Jualez

My favorite number is seven so it only seemed natural to take a picture next to exit 7 of my sister's school. These photos were all taken after/during picking up my sister from school. Maybe we should name this Babe in the Playground. I've been listening to Marcy Playground all day by the way so don't mind me. The photographer was my long running friend JuanCarlos Gonzalez/Jualez.blogspot.com. This was the first time I ever modeled for something and although it was very awkward to get into it at first it was tons of fun and I guess I got better the longer we were there. Note: I do not intend on pursuing professional modeling.I'm too thick around the hip-thigh area anyway and would feel horrible if I was put in the "plus size" category even though I wear size 4 dresses.

Also during the photos, I guess me talking calmed me down a lot. My mouth is open or I'm smiling because I was ranting about this girl I don't like but will make sure to keep tight lipped on who I was talking about. My paranoia may have receded a bit for me to talk so freely out in the open. Juan is also practicing and creating a portfolio, and he took a beautiful picture before we started that I totally fell in love with. I'm not sure if I'll be in it, but I'm glad I helped out anyway. He thanked me for being so photogenic and for being his model so I feel like I got some good credit there hehe.

To talk about traumatizing photo experiences, or something of that sort, I've always had very low self esteem so this pretty much boosted it by me being told I was pretty. Being told by people that weren't men of all ages and races trying to get in my pants. I've always stared at myself in the mirror and took tons of pictures of myself. Not because I was conceited, but because I thought I was so ugly, I needed to keep looking in the mirror to prove it and see if I magically turned any less unattractive within the past 10 seconds of me taking the last picture. I also found myself doing that today on the bus, but kind of to check if my make up made me look okay or not. Well, most women suffer from this anyway. My self esteem hightened sometime between 15 and 16, maybe in those few milliseconds between June 7 11:59pm and June 8 12:00 am. Or maybe that's just when I stopped feeling it so bad because I was literally putting tests on my body to see whether my figure would fill out up top if I gained weight. To my dismay, it didn't- my hips and arms just got bigger, so I started slowly losing the weight I had purposely put on. Okay, no more of this narcissism. Thanks for reading/skimming/viewing. More props to Juan. xoxo.

P.S. I have a big head

Heartbeat

Set still
Set set set still
Rhythm of the blood pumping
Set still
Set set set still
Listen to the heartbeats
Lay down
Lay lay lay down
Pressing against your life stream
Do you feel it this way?
Shut eyes
Shut shut shut them
Watch me with your fingertips
Dance on
Dance dance dance on
Motioning your hips with the beat
Set still
Set set set still
Feel my blood pumping with yours.

Smartest Girl Ever

I'm leaving at 2 to go to the fashion district to buy fabric on a Sunday. They're either not open on Sundays or close at 4pm. Oh yes.

Numb

My favorite time of the day must be right before I go to sleep. The drowsiness I feel as I'm fighting off my sleep, but slowly succumbing to it. Feeling the strength in my legs give way and the sensation of seeing but not feeling my limbs move. My shoulders fall. The weight of rest is too heavy to hold off and I'm crushed by it. Soon it reaches my head. I try to speak, but it's distant from my body. As though I'm far inside myself. My voice is intruding. It rumbles out of my chest, in sluggish language no one understands. My mind is light and cloudy, and whichever thought I have last slowly fades. My eyes are closing. I am one of the few I know that have really paid attention to the way they are when falling into sleep. During this time, I almost feel ... tranquil.

Artist's Spinnery

I have all these thoughts racing
Thoughts unused to the outside world
Masterpieces that haven't left
Oh, the beauty of fingertips
All I need is my mind and hands
Spinning the thread
Of my creations
Elaborate
Of a precisely articulate expert
What is lacking, but my
Motivation?
I will finish this another time.

Liam

Imagination- sputtering thoughts and fantasies
These I've relinquished hope for
I'll lay with your contentment
Of a life so simply complicated
What is normal and what are aspirations?
The thought of breaking free from all these chains
Chains of lies, deceit, and stress
High doubt they'd fall with just one caress
Incision past incision of this destruction
Stare for a while with closed eyes
Grasping and fondling for that one thought
The one branch
The one arm
Hold close this pain surrounding
Your name will be nothing as time quickly passes
Never a memory
Forgotten fantasy