Update

It's been almost a month since I last posted something here, so I guess I'm just going to update.

I work at Nine West now

I wasn't allowed to come home for almost the past week

I have to pay my own tuition.

I'm not less stressed or depressed as I was before. I'm the same way.
Well, there you have it I guess. The boy came back from D.R. so I was excited to see him and he helped calm me down. I'm very dependent of him it seems. He's not very sentimental, but I like that. If I bitch, don't cry with me or hug me, just try to show me the up side of things I guess. Don't tell me other people have it worse, because knowing that the world is fucked up in other places isn't going to make me feel better of how it feels fucked up to me for about an hour each day.

Anyway, goodight. It's late. <3
PS. I don't like that blgger changed my way of writing. I like puttingthe paragraph on the other side of the page dammit.

Sleeping Marble

Escaping behind my lids,
This is the only calm and solace,
Mind's racing for your bid,
Only empty-counter loveless.

Immobile in this tranquil feeling,
Pictures running in your head
Stories of the future, past, and teeming,
To relay themselves happily to bed.

Now prying out this hole,
Shaken back into "reality"
Existing the pure entity of a mole,
Is living what proves humanity?

With these naked eyes
What is viewed on the surface?
What possessions are really mine
Blurry visions are man-made.

My hands are empty now
Useless to this pick and ax
These creations don't deserve a wow
The thoughts that these create me are relaxed.

Talents drop like rain on a Sunday
Euphoria falls as winter night
Can I just reach this bed and lay?
I'm sick of this recurring plight.

Let Go

I'm feeling pretty good right now, after having a day full of turmoil and insane mood swings (seriously they were pretty bad). I feel as though I can feel good again and be "normal" and not do those insane things I do anymore. I'm not going to continue in that silly path, but I'll envelope myself back into those friends I had before, back into me, back into you. I love you and only you, fuck everyone else. :) <-that sounds kind of ghetto lol.

Addiction

I need to stop. I'm stopping today. Today I made one of the best mistakes as of late, and I'm not gonna regret it, just as I don't regret most things I do. It's just the consequences I get to my actions that I regret.
But laying in that bed in the drugged up state of mind, not knowing whether I was sleeping or not, and surprised when I was pulled out of the trance made me feel like a child. I don't like leaving the wonderful confines of a bed. It's almost as though the bed is talking to me, humming, lulling, saying: "Here my child, I'll envelop you and protect you from the outside world".

My entire body hurts.

Being in that place I was today makes me feel comfortable now, no internal angst invades me anymore. Here I feel secure and warm, my body singes these bedsheets. It almost felt like I was sick, but I had no fever or sore throat. Pure exhaustion, heat, and elementary images in my head.
In that state of mind I don't worry about my other addictions. I prefer this than the constant look for substance in other humans and the obsessive behavior I tend to get when something is either very interesting or threatens my existence. After all, that's why anyone gets offended. When something threatens their beliefs, they oppose it.
It's been about nine or ten hours since I've left that place, but the feeling inside me still lingers. This comatose feeling, I don't want to give up yet. I think i'll just shower and get on my homework until 12.

Goodnight blogger. <3

Agoraphobia

So supposedly college is the place where you meet people who are going to change your life and you will meet the people who will be your long running friends. It's been two months and my social status is just about the same as it was before I turned 15. I meet people and have small talk but then shy away when they try to probe into something personal. I know, knowing me, once they know one personal thing, I'll begin to dish out so much that it would be overbearing. Almost as though I'm trying to prove myself when there is no need to. I'd rather not and leave it that I'm just a soul wandering around, presumably someone who isn't very interesting anyway. Another note, I hate when they start talking to me about something I don't have much knowledge on. I'd rather not talk and sound stupid, either trying to play with their seemingly meaningless jargon or flat out saying "I don't know what that is".

Better to sew your mouth shut
Than unravel a thread of lies.

I'll leave it to my blog to know too much about me. Maybe some of my friends too. It is not the fault of others, but my own.

I've been in a slump.

I feel no motivation to go outside. I get up at 7:40 to rush a shower and dress myself in 20 minutes to get to school and do my homework/study on the bus. I draw, but only for my own mental competition against an imaginary person. I'm not even enthralled anymore to meet up with the people that I would have in the past woken at 8am on a free day to clean my house and pretty myself and leave by 10am.
These days I do nothing but lay around searching for something interesting to do in the confines of my bed on my laptop getting up periodically to clean or watch my daughter or make food/eat.

Where has my motivation gone?
Did it run away with my self esteem?

I need a job, none of my hobbies are deemed "normal", and when they do seem "normal", I feel as though i'm wasting time spent on something better. Honestly, I always feel as though I'm wasting my time. Time passes by much too quickly and I'll only be young for so long. Don't tell me I have my whole life ahead of me, because tomorrow I'll be 35 juggling a toddler, bills, and dinner in my arms, trying to convince myself to NOT shove my head in an open oven.

Whatever. I should go shower and clean my room.

I hate being broke v.v

Obligations

I've got no time for anything yet here I am in the worst state of minds ranting about my problems. I can't come to bare "OK let's stop ranting and do something about this". Let me just blow off some steam, since I'm trapped wherever I am.

"Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains"
-Jean Jaques Rousseau

The concept of time seems like something that I just cannot quite grasp. I don't feel as though I have any time for myself, or enough time for anyone in particular. Yet all my time is spent either wallowing in my mind (I have a tv but seldom watch it) or doing things to try to please others. I spend 3 hours on a bus daily with the horrid stench of unsanitary people. Oh, how I love NYC public transportation. I spend hours of my time taking care of children that I would prefer to hold no responsibility for. If I wanted kids, I would have had them myself. Honestly, I don't know why I resent them so much.
The thing that has been bothering me the most is the fact that I can't do any of my interests. I want to dance, draw, paint, write, design, construct, and be proactive in my time in theater but because of today I feel that may be at stake. I hate how I lack motivation and lack of movement. Bind me up and let a spider suck me dry instead.

Halloween Costume

I spent about 4 hours restarting my drape for my costume but couldn't quite get it right. Pissed me off, so I gave up and fell in and out of sleep for about 5 hours. I decided I'm going to change my costume, and in that way anyway the fabric won't be see through. My costume will be more like a fairy instead of a forest nymph or mother nature but oh well, making a bustier and flareskirt is easier.